Romance Novelist at a Child's Birthday Party

This sketch was written for Sketch 201 at The Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC.



CARLY, 6, kneels on a chair in front of her birthday cake. Gifts sit atop the table. The room is filled with party decorations and adults wearing party hats. Carly's parents, JIM and CAROL, stand on either side of Carly as everyone sings "Happy Birthday."

(to Jim)
You didn't invite Wendy, did you?

Absolutely not. Not after the stir she
caused at Carly's baptismal. 

(exhaling a sigh of relief)
Thank god. 

Everyone claps as Carly blows out the candles.

(appearing out of nowhere)
Look at her blow out those candles!
She blew them so hard! 

Carol and Jim point daggers at one another at the sight of WENDY, a middle-aged woman who looks like she just had her pictures taken at Glamour Shots. The couple is instantly on edge and the other guest appear uncomfortable as well. They are all too familiar with Wendy Huffington.

Wendy...This is unexpected. Glad see you. 

I was just signing books down the street
at the Barnes and Noble. Penetration's
Delight is selling like hot cakes! Anywho,
I saw your large rubber balls glistening in
the sunlight and just had to come in. 

Balloons, Wendy. We all know they're
called balloons. 

Of course. Ball-oons. My head is just so
engorged with, I mean, wrapped up in this book
tour. I can't think about much else! 

(whispering to Jim)
She's starting it already. 

(as if to say "I know")
You know what, I think it's time for presents! 

Open mine first, Carly. It's the one in the big
pink box. The biggest box there is. 

Jim gulps and cracks his neck to loosen up, exchanging nervous smiles with the other male guests. Carol glares at her husband. 

(to Carol)
It is technically a box. 

Carly begins tearing at the wrapping paper. 

That's right, Carly, just tear right through
that box. Spread the flaps and dig your
hands deep into its dark crevasse,
searching for the prize like a hunter. 

Carly, honey, just pull out the gift. 

Carly reveals a Tickle Me Elmo doll and screams with excitement. 

Well go ahead and tickle him. He's begging
for it. I'd like to watch as he falls to the floor,
touching himself with unbridled pleasure. 

Some of the women start breathing heavily and shifting in their seats. Carol fans herself, sweat dripping from her forehead.

It it hot in here? Excuse me,
I'm just going to turn up the A.C. a smidge.

Carol bolts from the room. Carly begins to tickle Elmo. He falls to the the floor laughing and rolling about. 

Again! Again! 

Well you heard him, Carly, he wants more.
Run your tiny fingers through that red hot
beast. Tickle him until he just can't stand it
anymore. Until he collapses to the wooden...

Everyone is frozen still, holding their breath for what Wendy will say next. The women sit tensed, fidgeting in their seats as if there are ants in their underwear. Jim is now sweating as well and can barely get his words out. 

Okay, that's good. She gets it, Wendy. Next
gift, Carly, next gift. Let's keep it moving here.

Jim walks away and bumps into his wife who is returning to the party. Carol's hair is mussed and she attempting to pull herself back together. 

God, she's good.

Jim grabs a jug of juice and starts chugging it for hydration.

I know. It's a child's birthday party for god's
sake. We just gotta get through this for Carly.

Carol and Jim compose themselves and rejoin the others. Carly has opened another gift. It is a piggy bank. She shakes the pig up and down as the change jingles inside. Everyone has lost it. They sweat profusely and pant for air. Wendy has clearly continued to narrate the party in their absence. 

Don't be afraid to get rough with that little
porker, releasing all its goodies into your lap...

Oh god, she's quoting Penetration's Delight!

Jim grabs Carol passionately. 

Damn you, Wendy Huffington! 

They kiss violently.