Dating in the Dark

The following is a sketch written as a parody of ABC's reality dating show, "Dating in the Dark," which aired from 2009-2010. That was a great year. 

EXT. MASION - DAY

It is a beautiful, sunday day. A fountain stands in the middle of the courtyard, surrounded by a pristine lawn and landscaping. Beyond the fountain is a large, glass door between two Grecian pillars. 

INT. MANSION - CONTINUOUS

The glass door opens to reveal a sprawling marble floor and staircase, which leads to a small door on the second floor. The small door opens to reveal nothing but complete darkness. 

INT. DARK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

All is dark but the images of two people lit by infrared cameras. The man is CLAUDIO, 31, and the woman is NIBBLES, 33. Nibbles is a centaur, having the torso of a human and the bottom of a horse. Claudio is an average human male. 

HOST (V.O.)

We return to Dating in the Dark, where
Claudio and Nibbles have been getting 
to know one another. Now, remember,
neither can see a thing. Do looks really 
matter? It asks the age old question,
"Is love blind?"

Claudio and Nibbles stand together, their fingers interlocked. Nibbles' tail sways back and forth. 

NIBBLES
I've had trouble meeting men in the past.

CLAUDIO
Oh yeah? I can't see why. I've really
enjoyed the time we've spent together.

NIBBLES
Likewise. You're unlike any guy I've
ever met. 

CLAUDIO
You make me smile. (A beat) So, let's
ask each other questions. Um, what's
your favorite meal of the day? Mine is
breakfast. 

NIBBLES
I don't really eat meals, per se. I mostly
graze. 

CLAUDIO
(making a joke)
Like a cow? 

Nibbles is silent. 

CLAUDIO
I'm sorry. It was a bad joke. 

NIBBLES
It's fine. What do you do for a living? 

CLAUDIO
I'm a jockey. A disc jockey. 

NIBBLES
(disappointed)
Oh. For a second I thought you meant
you were a jockey jockey. Ya know, riding
horse and taking care of them and stuff. 

Nibbles lets out a nervous laugh. Claudio leans in and wraps his arm around Nibbles. He kisses her neck and inhales as if breathing her in. 

CLAUDIO
Mmm, I'd like to ride you. I'd harness you
up real good, baby. 

She smiles, excited at the prospect. Claudio stops kissing her suddenly. 

CLAUDIO
Do you smell that? It smells like poop. Like manure. 

NIBBLES
No, I don't smell anything. Nope. 

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION - GUYS LIVING ROOM - LATER 

Claudio enters the living room where two other guys, RICHARD and RICARDO, are lounging on the sofa. Claudio is all smiles. 

RICHARD
How'd it go, man? 

CLAUDIO
I totally think I'm in love. 

Claudio high fives Richard and Ricardo. 

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION - GIRLS LIVING ROOM - LATER

Two other women, ALLISON and JALLISON, lounge on the sofa. Nibbles canters in, her head hung low. 

NIBBLES
Hey, Allison. Hey, Jallison.

JALLISON
Hey, Nibbles! Grab a seat. 

NIBBLES
(angrily)
You know I can't sit, Jallison! 

ALLISON
Woah, is everything okay? 

NIBBLES
Oh yeah. Everything went really, really
well. It's just...I pooped in my bun-bag. 

Allison and Jallison look at one another with disgust and move to the end of the sofa to be farther away from Nibbles. 

HOST (V.O.)
Will Ricardo accept Allison's diabetes?
Will Jallison accept Richard's abnormally
small penis? And will Claudio accept Nibbles'
horse parts? Stay tuned as we discover
whether looks really do matter. 

INT. MANSION - STAIRCASE - DAY

Nibbles makes her way up the stairs en route to the dark room. 

NIBBLES (V.O.)
Yeah, I'm nervous. Most guys only
want me for one thing. 

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION - STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS

Claudio makes his way up the stairs en route to the dark room. 

CLAUDIO (V.O.)
I'm not too worried. Nibbles seems
pretty wild. I'm stoked. 

CUT TO: 

INT. DARK ROOM - DAY

Nibbles and Claudio stand facing one another about five feet apart. They do not make a sound. 

The lights turn up on Claudio. Nibbles is seen in infrared. She smiles wide and her tail shakes with excitement. 

The lights turn down on Claudio and he anxiously anticipates seeing Nibbles for the first time. 

The lights turn up on Nibbles. Claudio's reaction is pure shock. Nibbles wags her tail and smiles playfully for Claudio. The lights turn down. 

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION - DAY

Claudio paces at the bottom of the stairs. 

CLAUDIO
I've dated black, yellow, red, blue. I've dated
bigger girls and midgets. Well, one. One midget.
So the fact that she's a centaur doesn't bother
me, no. It's not that at all. 

Claudio lets out a giant exhale and wrings his hands together. 

INT. MANSION - BALCONY - CONTINUOUS

Nibbles stands on the balcony awaiting Claudio. She gazes out onto the fountain and the pristine landscape. 

NIBBLES (V.O.)
I have no doubt in my mind that I will meet
Claudio on the balcony today. We have such
a deep connection. And now that I know what
he looks like, well, that made my decision to
stay that much easier. 

Nibbles looks back to the balcony's door and then walks to the very edge to see if Claudio could be leaving the mansion, rejecting her. The suspense kills. 

The knob turns and Nibbles torso turns to see Claudio stepping onto the balcony. The two embrace passionately. 

CUT TO:

EXT. MANSION - DAY 

Claudio rides Nibbles into the sunset. 

CLAUDIO (V.O.)
In the end, I figured I should give it, her, a shot.
I genuinely fell in love with Nibbles in the dark.
Plus, the producers said this could be great
exposure for my acting career. 

NIBBLES (V.O.)
What can I say? I've found the love of my
life. I cant' wait to see where this takes us. 

BLACKOUT.